and indecision bleeds me dry

i don't even know

2007-09-21T16:22:41Z

i was reading through some of my first lj posts, and i can't believe that i had written everything i did. nearly every line was a curse, and i was completely immature.

wow.

i suppose it takes just that to see how much i've grown up in the past 2 years.

i'm so ready to take the next step.

jon tracked down a couple of missionaries he saw biking downtown yesterday by the hospital. he spoke with them and sort of arranged a get-together saturday before i have to go to work.

i actually can't wait.

i don't want to be all preachy and all, but i really think church would be a good thing right now. i've been having the whole starting a family thing on my mind for a few months now, and i think church will give me the answers i've been needing to hear about the situation.

i like being grown up.

it's always better with handclaps

2007-09-18T15:41:31Z

a few amazing things:

i'm going to see the arcade fire 2 weeks from tomorrow.
i'm going to see hedwig and the angry inch 1 week from sunday.
my halloween costume seems to be going in the right direction...
if only i had a little more time for sewing.
i'm going home the first two weekends of october (at least hoping).
i'm definitely going home for the fall festival to eat like a zillion buffalo burgers.

to me, life is perfecto =)

possibly the impossible in a possible fashion

2007-09-13T15:49:39Z

we got bella back!
i only told a couple of people what happened to her since it was a very hard time for me, but now that she is fine, i am fine with talking about it.

she had heartworms.
it was part of the worst time in my life.
she had to have arsenic shot into her bloodstream, and we had to keep her confined for 9 weeks... which meant taking her to my parents' quiet house in indiana.

but we got her back on sunday, and she can play and be a dog again =)

habitat(atat)

2007-07-27T04:33:59Z

long time no talk, livejournal.

alright.

so i'm married.
i bought a new car (honda element)
i bought a house.
school is progressing.

yeah life is pretty flipping sweet...

if you don't count jon's band getting back together.
don't get me wrong, it's great news, but it also sucks.
this means the baby is pushed back even further.
i hate it.
i'm sick of waiting.
and i don't want to hear your crap about how we're rushing things.
it's my life, not yours.
k, thanks!

blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

cartoons aren't making me feel better

2007-04-06T15:49:57Z

i hate crying.
but it seems to be the only thing i've been good at for the past week.
my spare time... home alone... i cry.
wishing i had more support.
wishing other things didn't matter more.
i know these are meant to be the complicated times.
i just can't stand how much it has taken over me.
and how incredibly sad it makes me.
why is a microphone more important than me?

assuming no responsibility

2007-02-23T06:53:59Z

i miss my friends.

in this complacent industry

2007-01-07T23:27:43Z

so the roommates decided to move things around while jon and i were gone for the weekend. i wouldn't be upset if maybe we were asked about it first. yes, we ARE moving out in 2 weeks, but this is still our home. my canvas in the extra bedroom was taken down... but other posters were put up. yeah, lame as it is, it hurt.

we did receive a call saying that things were moved around, but nobody asked us. i honestly wouldn't care if they had asked first. then again, i don't agree with the band room being next to my bedroom.

it really sucks because music is being made at night quite a few times, and i have to get up extremely early in the morning which, of course, means i have to go to bed early.

i think what's bothering me the most is the fact that now i officially feel like i'm not wanted here. i always had the feeling, but now i have proof. even though i'm only going to be here for the next 2 weeks, i'd still like to be able to call this home until then.

now i don't know whether to say something or just let it go and let things end nicely. i'd rather do the later, but then again, i don't want to feel unwanted for the next 2 weeks.

sad face.

whole lot of loss for a whole lot of gain

2007-01-04T21:43:27Z

i'm a bit baffled.
irritated.
upset.

maybe i DO make the smallest things into nothing.
but guess what?
it still hurts.

i hate being around their phone conversations, but it always seems to be the case. i hate the walking out of the room as soon as the phone is answered. i hate all the "yes" "no" answers which, come on you can't fool me, are obviously questions pertaining to me.

what i hate the most?
the excuses that come afterwards.
okay explanations.
yes, they always check out and make me feel dumb for being upset in the first place.
but the more i think about it?
yeah, the more i know i have every right to be upset.

i know there's nothing there anymore.
i don't know how many times he has told me.
and i believe him with all my heart.
afterall, if i have nothing more for jacob, then why can't he have nothing for her?
still, why is it he has to disguise certain topics that are discussed.
and why does it still upset me constantly?

i'm not the jealous girlfriend.
i never have been.
i was always the evil girl plotting against the jealous girlfriend.
so why am i pathetic over this situation?

we've discussed serious plans together.
we've discussed the "m" word more than i want to.
jeez, we've even been living in "disgrace"
not to mention getting our own little sinful den on the 20th.

so WHY?

side note* jonathon, i just needed to vent a little, and you know that only 5 people know about my livejournal. this isn't something i would broadcast everywhere. i love you.

missing playing battlefront II every single night

2007-01-02T02:19:00Z

here i am.
finally.
here's my chance to make an update.

i've been working at university of louisville hospital and absolutely love it. there are some women in medical records that i could just rip vocal chords out of at times, but at least they keep me entertained while doing my job.

i can listen to my ipod my entire shift.
well, unless i'm on the phone taking orders from doctors.
i'm not really looking forward to that.

it's interesting to read all the different charts.
some people go through extremely traumatic events.
and the psych level?
ohhhhhh those are my favorite to read.

i'm moving
again
at the end of the month.
the apartment is amazing, although rather pricey @ $790 a month without utilities.
i don't care.
it reminds me a lot of my old apartment only nicer... and i like to think that copper creek was pretty nice.

my life with jonathon is amazing.
he keeps me sane when i'm about to lose everything.
he dries my tears when i'm bawling over the foolish things in life.
he loves me.
and i'm still oh-so-in-love with him =)

i don't really have any friends here in louisville.
there's jon's friends, but those are HIS friends.
i don't really fit in with them.
conversations are always awkward.
i always feel displaced.

i haven't had a chance to actually go out and meet people on my own.
but at the same time, i don't want to meet anyone new.
i had amazing friends back home, and i don't want to replace them.
however, i really screwed up with those friends.
it's the only regret i have about moving...
i lost everyone.

other than that, life is great.
i'm happy again.
i even got the nerve to speak with someone that i wanted out of my life forever.
go me =)

so that's the update.
i know it's a long one.
but it's most likely going to be another 6 months before i update again.

now...
how about finally playing that battlefront

just thinking

2006-11-27T20:18:45Z

it's really lame when you finally realize that you're no longer someone's best friend.
but it's the best feeling in the world to know that the one you love the most is still the ultimate best friend.

myhrtisinmotion @ 2006-11-23T01:45:00

2006-11-23T05:45:43Z

my one year anniversary with jon is friday,
but it doesn't feel like an anniversary.
it doesn't feel like it's going to be anything special.
it feels like it's just going to be another day.
we're going to museums and stuff, but i don't know.
maybe i had it way too good in the past with anniversaries.
i'm probably the worst girlfriend in the world right now.

even more so

2006-11-04T05:49:49Z

if i seem ever farther away than i have been lately, it's not you.
jon and i have been having problems, and my mind is stuck on that.
in time things will be okay... no matter what happens.
love.

myhrtisinmotion @ 2006-10-23T22:14:00

2006-10-24T02:19:53Z

i'm sorry a million times for everything.
sometimes i'm just the biggest introvert alive.
sometimes i make one thing my entire life and ignore all others.
you never deserved this.
you never did anything.
we're so different.
me the indie girl.
you the edgy core girl.
but something about us clicks so well.
and i love you.
i always will.
one day things will be the way they used to be.
you know, those days last fall/winter when we just couldn't stay away from each other.
i'll always remember crying on my bed and you snuggling and playing with my hair just to make me feel better... even though you had much worse things to deal with yourself.
you are amazing.
and i swear, i WILL make this right again.

where's the cat????

2006-06-06T03:31:29Z

i'm frustrated.
i have a million things running through my mind.
i'm nervous.
i don't know what i'm getting myself into.
exactly what is he trying to pull?

p.s.
i got my loan.
i won't be poor anymore.
let's go outttttt.

my heart can't take it

2006-05-09T02:10:40Z

it hurts like hell when someone you love so much and care for deeply has to go through so much shit.
i feel helpless.
all i can do is offer a moving truck.
i can't help anything that is going on.
hearing her cry on the phone breaks my heart.
i hate what this place is doing to her.

a lesson

2006-05-01T17:19:47Z

stop being a five dollar print of a priceless masterpiece.
reproduction is impossible.
your individuality does not exist.
don't blame me for your failures.
don't incorporate your life into mine.
i am my own.
you are not.

7am calls

2006-04-13T12:27:52Z

tired.
it's almost 7:30, and i'll be leaving for work in a couple of minutes.
my night was pretty rough...
had my dad call me another obscene name.
i CANNOT wait to get out of here.

in other news.
i'm fine.
no really, i am.
if you take away my shitty parents & my $6000 debt,
i really don't have anything to complain about.

i took bella and kasey for a walk last night.
never again will i walk the two of them at the same time.
when i got back, i let them play in the yard while i rolled the windows down & listened to death cab.
i must have sat in the grass for at least an hour.
no chiggers either.
i forgot how nice simple pleasures like that are.

alright,
time for work.
ick.

new life

2006-03-29T04:40:27Z

welcome
ellis lee mounts
born today
1:15pm
8 lbs 8 ounces
21 inches long
mickey i'm proud of you!!!
hearing him cry on the phone was so precious.
brooke, hurry up and get here so we can steal him!

more venting

2006-03-23T04:00:32Z

when am i going to have another positive entry?
ever?
i need to scream.
a lot.
right now.
i'm sick of fighting with my dad.
i'm sick of living with my parents again.
i'm sick of missing people.
i'm sick of going off on jon.
i want to dye my hair.
i wish brooke was here to do it with me.
i want to cut my hair.
i wish i trusted myself enough to cut the back.
i want to stop smoking.
i wish i could stop smoking.
i don't want to be in debt anymore.
i want to stop spending my money like it's nothing.
my left botton wisdom tooth is cutting in more.
my gums hurt.
my guitar is collecting dust.
i need a drink.
an alcoholic one.
just one.
any kind.
i haven't drank since my birthday.
i'm going to go get my puppy.
she makes me happy.
i need happiness right now.
tomorrow will be better.

you know what blows?

2006-03-01T22:36:54Z

when you're down in the dumps & you're talking to your boyfriend & your cellphone dies in the middle of it.
yep.

i'm finding more and more about jacob that i just can't stand.
he insists he's the same jacob i've always known.
no, no he's not.
i feel like we've grown so far apart from each other.
we were always so close.
at times, i just want everything to be over with... just let everything go and not speak to him.
but for some reason, i can't.
maybe it's because of all the times i put him through pain like he did me, and he didn't give up on me.
THE NIGHT with lisa and chris... he forgave me for that.
but i don't want him in my life if it's a struggle.
we SHOULD be friends.
we've known each other since 8th grade.
we were lovers for nearly 4 years.
things obviously change, and i'm fine with that.
but why do things have to continue to be so complicated?
i'm EXTREMELY happy with someone right now.
he seems to be mildly happy with someone right now.
why can't we just let things settle?
why do we have to continuously hurt each other?
friends don't do that.
so i continue to let this awkwardness go on.

my dad just finished with surgery.
my mother called to say things went fine & he's in recovery.
i didn't even go to the hospital.
all i said was "good luck" when he left this morning.
am i a horrible person for this?
i mean yeah, he's there for me when i need him financially, but other than that, i don't really have a dad.
i feel bad that he had to have surgery, but i don't feel bad for not going.

my patience with indiana is growing thin.
i want to go back to school so badly...
and i can go at any given time...
i just don't want to go back to usi.
i HATE that school.
it's such a waste.
so many memories that i would like to be forgotten are attached to that school.
i want a fresh start.

i never hang out with my friends anymore.
never.
i can't even remember the last time we all went out.
i've been out a few times with chelsea here and there, but it usually consists of us, at her house, smoking more cigarettes than i should.
it's sad.
i don't think i even really talk to anyone anymore.
my days consist of sleeping, going to work, checking the computer for a few minutes, then going back to sleep.
my only "good" days are when i'm in louisville or jon is here in evansville with me.
i used to be such a fun person.
i used to go out all the time.
i used to always have someone to be with.
i feel like i've lost all of that.

sure, it's probably my fault because i've become so secluded.
but i don't want to accept it.
i want to be JEN again.
yeah, her.

if i could scream without my throat rotting, i would

2006-02-25T18:22:51Z

misery.
i am so fucking sick right now.
i cried earlier because it hurt so much and my dad told me i had no reason to whimper and whine.
yes, he's a horrible father, still.
i have to be at work at 3.
if i call in, i get a write-up.
i seriously don't even see how i'm even going to survive the drive TO work.
i'm hungry, and it hurts too much to swallow.
jacob called.
it wasn't a very pleasant conversation.
he did feel bad for me being sick though.
i'm so frustrated.
i've always taken care of those who needed it.
every.single.time.
now i'm sick... and you all know i RARELY get sick...
and i have fucking no one to hold my hair back when i puke.
or to give me orange juice.
or to play with my hair.
or just give me company.
i hate indiana.
i need to be elsewhere.

it's all because of him

2006-02-18T17:28:31Z

well valentine's day was beyond amazing.
i got off at 3 and met jon.
he came to see me instead of me driving all the way to louisville and back in one night.
aww, yay!
so i received an amazing gift from him...
my dj for the vday.
oh man, i love that boy.

yesterday at work i was promoted. yeaaaah!
i'll be learning to pretty much run a starbucks.
i forgot what my title is going to be, but i know i'm one step lower than my boss.
it's KIND of like an assistant manager but without that exact title.
sooo more money for me!
lately i've been spending too much money.
i need to save save save.
or i'm never moving.
i decided not to move in with chris.
if i did, it would take me forever to save up enough to move away from here.
so yeah, staying at the parent's i am.

i ordered my dress for my brother's wedding.
i ordered it 2 sizes smaller than what i am.
wish me luck.
or money.
for liposuction.
okay okay, i KNOW i'm not fat.
i just want to be a size 7 again.
that's all.

oh, and if you try calling me, you may not get an answer.
sometimes my phone works, sometimes it doesn't.
i don't know WHAT's wrong with it.
calling me at work would be the best bet for a while, i guess?
eh, just try the cell first anyway.
alright.
i'm hungry.
bye

let it be known

2006-01-31T03:02:50Z

i love jonathon ashley jeffries

and indecision bleeds me dry

2005-11-30T03:12:04Z

things have been extremely weird lately.

on the downside of things

2005-11-14T16:58:17Z

life hasn't been very awesome lately.
i don't want sympathy.
i just want the fact to be stated.
if i talk to you and i'm pissy/upset, let it be known this has nothing to do with you.
the worst part for me is not knowing whether or not things are going to be okay.
but i've been knocked down several times before, and i always got back up, right?
<3